Reasons to be Cheerful - May 2010 edition

God, I'm depressed!

Having spent the last four months of my life campaigning full time and a pretty big chunk of my time before that, the election is now over. The Clegg bounce sort of flopped, several amazing Lib Dem MPs and candidates failed to be returned to the Commons and we ended up with only 57 MPs to our name.

If politics counts as faith then I don't mind telling you I'm on the edge of a crisis of it.

So here goes trying to cheer things up. You won't necessarily agree with everything but at least try to play along...

The Big Ones:

1 - The Tories didn't get a majority!
There's still hope. Even after spending millions in marginal seats and being duplicitous in almost every way, David Cameron fell well short of the 326 seats he needs to hold an absolute majority. If Ashcroft and Murdoch couldn't win it for him you have to wonder if a single party will ever win an election outright again.

2 - More people voted!
29.7 million people voted in the general election - that's over 65% - well up on 2005. When I registered to vote in Hackney there was a queue and it was overwhelmingly young.

3 - Lots more people voted Lib Dem!
6,827,938 people (23% of the vote) voted for a Liberal Democrat parliamentary candidate in 2010. That's about 900,000 more than last time and an extra 1% share.

4 - Nobody got shot, beheaded, blinded, dispossessed or otherwise harmed or intimidated for taking part in an election!
For all the postal vote irregularities, leaflet avalanches and smarmy candidates we Brits have to endure, voters and candidates in many other parts of the world have it way worse.

The Small Victories:

1 - Naomi Long, East Belfast (APNI).
Naomi Long of the Alliance Party of Northern Ireland is the first representative of a cross-community non-sectarian party the Province has sent to Westminster since 1974 (and even then it was a defector). This is even more fantastic given that the DUP candidate she defeated was Peter Robinson, the First Minister, a man about whom much could be written, all of it negative, little of it libelous.

2 - Sylvia Hermon, North Down (Ind).
If you're going to try and merge your party with another, it's probably a good idea to discuss it with your one sitting MP first. The Ulster Unionists didn't. They formed an electoral alliance with the Tories and Lady Hermon stood and won as a centre-left Independent.

3 - Caroline Lucas, Brighton Pavilion (Green).
Now this is probably contentious, but whether you generally agree with them or not, the Green Party previously had no representation whatsoever but this time managed to win a seat despite all the gross inequalities of First Past the Post. Can't we all just be happy about that?

4 - Ian Swales, Redcar (Lib Dem).
This was Mo Mowlam's old seat - continuing the earlier Northern Irish theme - and was supposed to be rock solid. A 21.8 ... let me repeat that ... a 21.8% swing to the Liberal Democrats put paid to that.

5 - Karen Buck, Westminster North (Lab).
It's always nice to see a deserving underdog win and even better when they defeat someone who deserves it. I had the good fortune to be in the room when Karen Buck learned she had held on to her seat and when her Tory opponent Joanne Cash found out too. Karen looked shellshocked; Joanne may have been sucking on a particularly sour gobstopper at the time but I don't think so! For once it was Casework 1 - Cashcroft Nil.

6 - John Bercow, Buckingham (Speaker).
The right wing hates him because he had the temerity to become less of a despicable Tory as he got older. The cheek of it. Not only that, but... whisper it... He's a Jew! Not that I would ever suggest that had any bearing on the low regard the Tory press and establishment has for him.
Anyway, the serried ranks of Torydom lined up behind UKIP MEP Nigel Farage in almost open rebellion. Farage lost. Not only did he lose to Mr Bercow, but he came third behind former Thames Valley MEP John Stevens, founder of the Pro-Euro Conservatives and an ex-Lib Dem.

7 - Margaret Hodge, Barking (Labour).
I don't particularly like her, in fact I think she's pretty daft. Let's forget about her and instead just share a little joke I heard recently.

What's the difference between Nick Griffin and a bicycle?

The bicycle has more seats.

I thank you.

Personal Triumphs:

1 - 701 People voted for me!
In Tachbrook ward, Westminster we went from 3rd place to 2nd and got about twice as many votes as in 2006 (Yes I know it was a higher turnout, don't burst my bubble!)

2 - Only 574 people voted for Paul!
You may not know him but I well and truly beat him! We were both, however, the lowest polling Lib Dems in our wards.

3 - We more than trebled our vote in our target ward!
Go Team Churchill.

4 - I'm still alive!
I consider this an achievement.

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I don't know if you bothered reading this far but I feel a bit more motivated having written this so maybe so do you for having read it. If not, sorry!

That Cameron Gaffe - It's what he said, not how he said it

David Cameron's made a bit of a Twit of himself. Pause for laughter.

In an interview on Absolute Radio - the station which overthrew Constitutional Radio in a bloody coup six months ago - Cameron was asked why he hadn't joined the serried ranks of MPs and public figures using Twitter to keep in touch with the public. His reply was covered by almost all media, but for all the wrong reasons:

"I'm not on Twitter. I think that; politicians, we have to think about what we say and I think the trouble with Twitter, the instantness of it, is that I think too many twits might make a twat."

Now there has been lots of commentary on all this and most of it just goes to show how bland our politics has become that the most interesting thing the press can say about David Cameron is that he said a swear.

But I think this whole episode says a lot about the "new" Tories.

Firstly - they've obviously learned and almost perfected the New Labour cynical manipulation of the media. Cameron went on a "yoof" radio station and accidentally used bad language because, you see, he's just such a man of the people that he couldn't help "connecting" with the young audience and being "relevant".
Well excuse me! It's possible that Call-me-Dave is, in fact, a rapier-witted wordsmith of uncanny verbal dexterity - but his weekly paint-by-numbers exploits at PMQs suggest otherwise. He can talk in full sentences, walk upright and knows which fork to use but Oscar Wilde he ain't.
"Too many twits make a twat" is such a great line and so perfect for the audience that there's no way he came up with it on the spur of the moment - he might as well have refered to "a .22 mind in a .357 magnum world." By just expressing outrage, the nation's media were being played like a cheap fiddle - and they didn't even know it.

Secondly - The defence from "aides" is one of the most conservative you could ever wish to hear. Saying "twat" isn't offensive, says Camp David, because Ofcom, the media regulator has published an official list of swearwords that are offensive and "twat" isn't on there. Ipso Facto!
Now, I find the whole Offence Industry vaguely and ironically offensive in the first place - I don't understand when and how saying something meaningful (the only way to never offend anyone is to never mean anything) became something to be avoided - but this is surely worse. The Conservative Party say that you cannot possibly have been offended by something because the State has provided a list of offensive things and he didn't do anything wrong.
Huh?!

Thirdly - and most damning - listen to what he says just before the T-word crops up. He doesn't like the instantness of Twitter. Presumably he wants to be able to hide away, like so many politicians past, behind briefings and lobby correspondents and press releases and spin. Having a direct line of communication with the voters and vice versa would threaten this cosy little arrangement - which is of course, why I and other liberals like it so much and why Lib Dem MPs were the first on Facebook and the biggest contingent on Twitter too.
Cameron doesn't want to have to change anything he doesn't have to about the old ways of getting things done in Westminster and he certainly doesn't want the uppity little voters @replying every time he does something bad. Let's all remember that next time he comes along with his open collar and bambi eyes and pontificates about being the party of "change".

Atheists, 1 - English language, Nil

I don't know if there is a god, but if there is, I think we can safely say he has a pretty dry sense of humour.

I draw your attention to The Atheist Bus. The British Humanist Society - having decided that, if you can't beat them, you should join them - has hired out the side of a bus and put and advert up to remind us that some people don't believe in god. Thanks for the update.

Now personally, I find it just as annoying when complete strangers feel the need to tell me about Dawkins and The Blind Watchmaker as when they decide to inform me about Jesus, Krishna or the colony of Thetans apparently lodged in my colon - but I've learned to deal with it.

There's also a little bit of irony in the fact that the justgiving site connected with the project shows how much has been collected as a big red thermometer in the style favoured by Parish Church Roof Funds across England. I understand that next week Evan Harris is going to be selling little cakes off of paper plates on a card table just outside the vestry.

But my main gripe with The Atheist Bus is that it isn't really atheist at all. The message on the side reads "There's probably no god. Now stop worrying and enjoy life".

Probably?
Probably?

What kind of atheist says there probably isn't a god? Atheists believe in the non-existence of god with the same conviction and obnoxious fervour that Sarah Palin believes that he does exist (and is probably visible from her front porch). What you have there, my friend, is The Agnostic Bus. The bus that doesn't like to commit one way or another. A bus that knows there's no evidence in one direction but equally nothing reliable in the other.

Say what you want about the religious but at least they usually know what they actually believe. And don't they love to share.